A couple of weeks ago, I attended an event hosted by A Band of Brothers, a charity that provides mentoring for young men facing adversity and supports them through rites of passage into responsible, fulfilling adulthood. The organisation works particularly with young men who are involved, or at risk of becoming involved, in crime – many of whom have experienced domestic violence, abuse or neglect. Through transformational weekend quests, one-to-one mentoring and weekly community circles, it helps them develop a sense of belonging, purpose and hope for the future.
I had recently met one of the young men at a festival, where he told me that he had been recruited into County Lines drug trafficking. “A Band of Brothers quite literally saved my life,” he said. There was a remarkable presence about him: an intensity, a light shining from his eyes that spoke of someone who had found his way back to himself.
At the event, a drumming ritual welcomed the young men back into the wider community after their transformational weekend. The young men spoke about what the mentoring process and the support of the community had given them over the past few months. Their mentors reflected on the changes they had witnessed, while parents and partners confirmed how those changes had become visible in everyday life. There was much laughter, and there were tears, too.
What I found most impressive, though, was what happened towards the end of the evening. Several dignitaries, including the mayor, local councillors and even the High Sheriff of Warwickshire (yes, we still have a Sheriff – you gotta love the British for their traditions), were invited to say a few words. At one point, the mayor of a neighbouring town came up to the stage. He was a 66-year-old man in a suit and tie – a striking contrast to the often tattooed, hooded or dreadlocked young men taking part in the programme. Yet within moments, he had everyone in the room utterly captivated when he said:
“I wish I’d had this programme when I was in my twenties. I really needed it back then. If I’d had the support you guys have, maybe I wouldn’t have left my wife and two children, as I did forty years ago.”
Then he broke down in tears.
There was something very powerful about witnessing this well-known public figure being so raw and authentic. He was not afraid to be vulnerable in front of a large audience who might have judged or ridiculed him for admitting what he had done. Instead, his honesty and humility touched everyone present.
And perhaps more than anyone else that evening, he had captured the true importance of A Band of Brothers simply by being himself. What made the moment so profound was that his tears were not simply an expression of personal emotion. They gave others permission – especially older men who are often expected to “have it all together” – to drop the mask and be real too.
For those few moments, any sense of hierarchy disappeared. There was no distinction between mayor and young offender, respected public figure and troubled teenager. There were simply human beings who recognised something of themselves in one another. And that was deeply moving.
We often think of mentoring programmes as interventions for “individuals facing challenges”. But I think that they address something much larger. They create spaces where people can tell the truth about their lives without fear of shame or rejection. And that is not just how individuals heal; it is how communities begin to transform.
I think this is where the crux of most of our societal troubles lies: the inability of many of us to feel our emotions or, perhaps more accurately, to share them openly. Instead, we repress them. We hide them, even from ourselves. We pretend things are okay when they are not.
What would happen if we stopped doing this?
A Band of Brothers is only one of many community initiatives that show us what happens when people are able to face and express their emotions. They find their way back to their inner light. Their potential reawakens. They build healthier, more authentic relationships. They start believing in themselves again.
And I believe this is how social problems such as domestic violence and organised crime can be tackled, at least in part. They need to be addressed at their roots. Of course, these issues are complex and multi-faceted, but when people – and men in particular – are unable to access their emotions and process their trauma, they are much more likely to act it out. If you are disconnected from your own pain, you are hardly going to be a loving, supportive partner.
It also made me reflect on mafia culture and the Sicilian concept of omertà, the code of silence that extends far beyond organised crime. It shaped the lives of countless ordinary men too, including my father, who was unable to speak about his more vulnerable emotions because, within a patriarchal culture, they were seen as a sign of weakness. In that sense, omertà is not only the refusal to speak about crime; it is also the refusal to speak about emotional pain.
Back at the event, the mayor added that he himself had a mentor: the pastor of a local church. The two men laughed as they recalled that they hadn’t liked each other at all when they first met. Each had thought the other unbearably arrogant. But the mayor had the wisdom and humility to recognise that this very dislike was a sign that he needed to be mentored by the pastor.
And I think this is another key aspect of healing and growth. We all need mentors. Someone in our lives who sees our blind spots and is not afraid to point them out. Someone who challenges us with love. Someone who sees not only our potential, but also the barriers and defences we put in place long ago to keep ourselves safe, yet which may now be stifling our emotional freedom.
The reason I love my own therapist and mentor so much is that I cannot outwit her, however much I might try. She sees through me immediately, and all the ways I might hide from or deceive myself. Sometimes she can be harsh, but it is always done with love. And that is what melts my defences. Beyond the tears, it so often leads to affectionate laughter between us. To see yourself clearly, with both your light and your shadows, and all the ingenious ways in which your mind tries to protect you, can be a delight if you don’t take yourself too seriously.
So perhaps this is where I want to end today’s reflection:
We all need people who help us see ourselves more clearly. People with whom we can remove the mask. People who gently and lovingly challenge us, call us out when necessary, and remind us of our light when we have forgotten it. If you are fortunate enough to have such people in your life, treasure them. And if you don’t, perhaps it is time to start looking. Because we all have blind spots, and by their very nature, we cannot see them alone.
For more on the topic of men and vulnerability, watch this brilliant documentary called “Beyond Men and Masculinity”.
You might be interested in reading a related post called “Beyond Toxic Masculinity: Shame, Sensitivity, And Healing”.
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